


Of Stars And Flowers

by EJBEisGay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Poetry, i really projected here lads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-19 21:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20664176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EJBEisGay/pseuds/EJBEisGay
Summary: A long ass poem based on an AU of mine.





	Of Stars And Flowers

//

the moment my eyes met yours- silver and green, dragon and fawn-  
we've felt our paths being woven together by Fate's hands,  
as we continued staring at one another  
through the beginnings of hellfires and heaven-sent clouds.

our dance begun.

I lead.

//

/

I reach out my hand to you,  
under the eyes of the walls and the smoke between us.  
the stares and whispers of the shadows passing us by.  
but you walk further and further into the heat,  
and all I can feel is my hands shake from holding the weight of my anger.

we continue on.

a snake and a lion.  
history repeats itself.  
we are now in the spotlight and  
I can feel the mountains and oceans building up between us.  
one by one.  
and though I don't realize it now  
I know I'll cross them one day.  
just for you.

a year filled with wonder and envy,  
anger and sadness,  
fear and disappointment,  
ends.

but our dance doesn't.

the music changes, and this time  
you're leading.

we continue our dance at a steady pace.

again and again.

/

colours and envy. colours and pride.  
we fight and snarl and dance farther and farther into this maze  
of forget-me-nots and tansies.  
my laugh and words cracks your skull,  
but your screams crack my ribs,  
and flowers start to bloom  
along them.

blood, blood, blood.  
you, you, you.  
I've cracked your skull. I've cracked your ribs.  
I'll crack your heart next.

and I write more and more into this book,  
and it asks me more and more,  
and I cry about the monsters in my closets which remind me of my father  
and his expectations of having pureblooded children in my future.  
I've wailed over how my mother succumbs to the toxins  
of a picture perfect pureblooded family.  
I sob over the cracks in my ribs  
and the cracks in my heart that I don't know exist yet.  
and the flowers continue to bloom.

I cry and I cry. Harder and harder.

And the diary soaks all my tears in.  
it repairs itself when I rip its pages.  
it comforts me when I'm alone with the monsters in my closets,  
and the toxins,  
and the cracks.  
there's petals covered in blood.

oh there's so much blood now.

colours and whispers. colours and rumours.  
the red colour of my blood mixed with yours  
as the serpent opens it's mouth and hisses at me.  
and my vision blurs and my voice fades and cracks-

you save me.  
again and again.  
my head is spinning and pounding  
and i can't breathe but-

you come to me  
and reach your hand out.

you're still leading.

we're aiming our wands at each other's throats now.

/

the moon looms over us and strangled noises come out of my throat.  
a great beast looms over me.  
teeth and saliva, claws and blood, matted fur and empty tears.  
he sings the tunes of a burdened man  
who wishes he could stop being what he is.  
he sings and sings and I can see the pain in his monstrous eyes  
as he creeps nearer and nearer to my body  
which is shackled by the cold fear  
of the fact that I understand him.

oh I understand him so well.

and I sing back to him, but it's strangled and it isn't strong enough-  
weak, weak is what you are, weak, weak, WEAK-  
but then a cloak of shadows billows over me  
and my godfather is there with granger and weasley and my cousin and you-

and with a hand on my face  
I faint.

I wake up feeling as if I was throttled in my sleep.  
that I'll never be able to think of Professor Lupin as human again.  
and I felt him.  
I felt his pain, I understood his language,  
I harmonized with him,  
I saw myself in his black beetle eyes of a monster and could see my reflection in them so perfectly.  
just like a mirror.

so so perfectly.

I breathe and

I fall asleep with claws and howls.

but, they're now mine.

I'm slowing us down, but you're holding me tight.  
and you spin me thrice around.

we continue dancing.

/

nothing can stop you from being made of gold.  
not even death.

the school made up of students that are snow and crystal,  
the school with students made of stone and thunder,  
and our school that has broken children and shattered hopes,  
shall fight for a meaningless feeling of accomplishment  
which nothing else can give.

and the fawns were not allowed to join.  
for our safety.  
but you still looked the bear in its eyes and walked forward.

I fear for you.

or did the hunter push you towards it and you couldn't push back?  
I can't tell, I wasn't able to look into your eyes.

a rose blooms under my eye,  
watching another's boy form twirl around the dancefloor  
all by himself.

but I'm still dancing with  
you.

So why did  
Cedrig Diggory,  
the real Hogwarts champion,  
catch my eye?

the time fades away,  
glances are shared and hope builds up  
like snow during a snowstorm-  
recklessly and with no signs of stopping-

a second rose blooms under my other eye,  
and I can feel the blood rushing to my face  
as he comes closer to me on the dancefloor.

but the grip around my waist tightens  
and the cracks in my ribs grow deeper.

I ignore them.

I turn my head towards him,  
who is cladded in yellow and black, and flower petals.  
I reach out to him and he holds my hand tight.  
tighter.  
and tighter.

the music changes, and we change as well.  
the grip on my waist loosens and in that slow moment of ignorance  
I slip away  
into the arms of a boy filled with yellow pansies and black roses.  
he holds me tight, enveloping me in his arms.  
I hold back.  
tight.  
tighter.

I inhale.

fear and anger.

you make me fear for you. you make me fear that you will come up dead,  
when I didn't have enough time to finish my dance with you.  
you make me angry at you.  
that I'm still thinking about you.  
even when Cedrig holds me with a fierce grip,  
even when I'm under him and vines grow across my neck and legs,  
even when he's helping me stitch the cracks in my skull and ribs.

you stick a knife into those patches and  
drag  
the knife across every single fine piece of string.  
you push it deeper and deeper and

my heart.  
my heart weeps.  
it weeps so hard I cry myself to sleep and it feels like I won't be able to exhale again-

I ignore it.

I ignore it.

my wand has fallen out of my grip  
and it clatters to the ground loudly.  
I can't keep up! I can't keep up, I say.  
Voldemort is alive! Voldemort is alive, i hear you whisper.  
I can feel your wand pressed against my throat.  
steady, strong,  
a threat.

a body thuds to the ground.  
yellow pansies and black roses entangle into my hair  
as his grip on me loosens and he  
falls and

shatters.

Cedrig-

and i fall with him onto the ground and I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't brea- I DON'T WANT TO BREATHE-

you catch me, and I'm on my knees screaming.  
you hold your hand against my neck and

you run.

my throat is closing in on itself and my eyes are burning.  
my mind is a hollow star, no longer filled with thoughts.  
there's only silence.

and as I watch the stars dance on your skin,  
and the moon cradle your face,  
I fall into a restless sleep.  
and all i can do is wail and scream and trash around  
at the galaxies and universes that are between us,  
and at the arrows and swords we've aimed at one another.

I cry as my heart shatters as well.

I can't exhale.

/

//

the sun has never been my enemy more than it is now.  
it blinds me and swallows me whole in its shine and warmth and happiness.

but I don't want that.  
I don't want the light and warmth and hope.  
I want to be swallowed whole by shadows and darkness  
and the worst thoughts I can think of.  
I want to be taken away into the night by someone- or something- and hide me away from the world  
and let me decompose in a forest.  
I want to stop breathing and choking on flower petals and love and  
Hufflepuff scarves.

and I want

what do I want?

after a long while of letting the mist overwhelm me again and again,  
I hear footsteps near the tree I climbed on  
to watch the sunset.  
and to let myself go.  
I look down and instead of seeing my parents i only saw  
a dark shadow.  
it doesn't scream at me to get down like my father,  
it's not begging me to come eat dinner and not starve myself like mother does.

but it's there, waiting.  
looming in the shadows of the tree, opening his arms to welcome them.

and I give in.  
I go down, lower and lower, the branches are stabbing me and whispering me words of  
relief, words of calmness, words of an end.  
but when I arrive down i can only feel the screams from my wounds  
and the molten lava that has reddened my skin and eyes.

the dark shadow is now farther away from the tree,  
showing its features and beckoning me to come.

I step out back into the sunlight.  
One step.  
Two steps.

Severus? What do you want?

No time to waste, he tells me.  
Potions to make and time to spend reading.  
He reaches out his hand, which is covered in black roses, lavender, and yellow chrysanthemums.  
I take his hand hesitantly and feel my own roots reach out to his.  
and I smile as I feel the sun, for once this summer, soothe my wounds and tear streaks.

Will you make me some cookies as well?  
Don't stretch it.

he did.  
and they were delicious.

I smile, again and again this day and it feels so good.  
it feels real.  
it's going to be ok.

I exhale.

//

/

it's not going to be ok. nothing ever is.

there's blood rushing down my chin and onto my neck,  
my lip got split and my pride has been beaten to a pulp by my father's cane.  
but at least he used his own hand to slap me so hard that it ruined my face.

We'll need to heal this before you go back at the end of this break dear, mother said.  
Tell them you had a lovely Christmas.  
I nod and tears flow into rivers and those rivers turn into oceans.  
Father loves you, she said. again and again.  
I nod.  
but I don't tell her i haven't felt true love for him since I was 7.  
I don't say that I've wished for him to be dead since I was 11.  
she doesn't probe me for an answer. she knows.

I don't tell her that I know I’m lying to myself.  
she knows that as well.

pink, pink, pink.  
toad faced ruler, venomous snakes follow.  
sharp and sharper  
teeth, claws, matted fur, beetle black eyes.

she hands me a black rose. she hands me a chance at power.  
cold and hungry power.

I look at the rose and smile.  
not my smile. it's not meant to be.  
I didn't smile.  
my father did for me.

I accept the rose and stab it through my neck,  
each thorn clinging onto dear life onto my flesh.  
my heart wails at the pain.  
my heart.

shattered. shattered. pieces, broken, glass.  
mirrors.

my hollowed star holds the remains of my heart.  
and i-

love. love, flower petals, hufflepuff scarves and blood-

sneer at it.

cold, bleak, useless.  
weak weak weak WEAK-

I inhale-

I stomp them into fine powder, no reminders of how weak I am-

I

I

I'm tired but the steps you've left on the walls are so obvious.  
so, so obvious.  
But I don't tell her. I don't tell the cow ruling this school now.

I don't look in the mirror and see the claws and fangs,  
the monstrous beetle eyes.  
not even if I'm held to wand point by her.  
Because I'm used to it already, because of you.  
right?

you're here with me and we're alone  
and i can see your heart shatter.  
but it's not because of me.

it's because of her and the blood.  
blood, blood, blood-

and that's not how it's supposed to be.

I try to reach out my hand that is shackled out to you-  
but blaise holds it down.  
he holds it down and tight and leads it to his legs and im doing it myself and it's actually ok it’s good, vines are growing again and it's-  
I hate him.

I'm still lying to myself.  
I don't hate him.

and I can't hold onto you anymore.  
my grip is getting weaker  
and the threats and promises from my father are weighing on my hands again.  
my anger and terror shackle me to the ground again.  
again.  
I push you away and I fall on my knees  
and you've stumbled to the ground and lost your glasses. you can't find them.  
Where are they, you ask.  
I'm blind without them!  
I don't answer.

I can't speak.

/

//

severus promised me to make me some cookies  
when i get back home.  
and i'm here.  
I'm here. I'm home

but this isn't my home anymore.  
it's a shallow excuse of one. it's the shells of a place I once laughed and cried in,  
and screamed and shattered again and again,  
and lived my life.  
it’s dark, and it's dirty and it's.  
it's scary.

the air is thick with dark magic and  
I haven't seen them,  
but i know they're here.

I can't sleep.

I don't think i can eat cookies this summer.  
not anymore.

fate crossed my path with a man.  
a man father works with.  
and  
and  
i

I blink

my head is throbbing.  
my wrists are sore.  
my thighs are marked in someone else's fluids and I'm marked and marked by this pig-

I blink.

mother cradles me as i cry oceans of salty and angry tears.

I blink.

father's heart cracks  
while my mother's shatters.

and i blink.

three days later, the man is found dead.

we don't speak about it.

I close my eyes.

I can't eat.  
I must not eat.  
I can't control the waves but I can control the ship.

I hold my bones into my hands and i  
break them.  
one after the other.  
I crack and shatter and i turn them into fine powder.

I look back to my heart and what's left of it behind.  
but there's something peeking from under the rubble.

an emerald in the shape of a lighting.

I reach out and i craddle it.

I hold it tightly and i place it in the void left by my heart.  
I inhale again and-

a storm, screams, crying, blood, screeches, cackles.  
snakes and cloaks and fire and darkness.

the dark lord calls upon me  
and i step towards him.  
he speaks venom into my veins and I feel my blood sing songs that are unknown to me and my soul.  
my soul, my life, my escence.  
my past lives.

the skull on my forearm mocks my own.  
no cracks in it. no pieces missing.

I cling onto the lighting bolt in my chest tighter.

//

/

I continue to steer the ship.

I'm waiting for the pin to drop.

im waiting for my friends to look into the mirror and see the smears and the cracks.  
im waiting for them to look at me and see my scars and my cracks and all the blood and the bouquets of flowers.  
and to drop me and shatter me whole.

im waiting and waiting.

and it's going to happen, but the ticking bomb doesn't have a timer.  
its glued to my back, and the ticking is driving me mad.  
it's driving me mad.

and severus. the only one who truly knows.  
but he doesn't know of the emerald in my chest.  
he doesn't know that I destroyed my own heart.  
he doesn't know that I love-

he still doesn't know so many things.

he can't know.

and then i see you again. 

and the lightning in my chest lights up and  
I feel like i'm glowing.

but then you sneak around, and I break your nose.  
and I leave you in the train alone, hoping and hoping that someone will find you.  
someone does.

after a summer where our dance took a halt  
we stumble back together awkwardly.  
but I can't pretend im still the same  
you can't pretend that you don't know i'm not the same.  
we awkwardly waltz as the music changes again  
but our pace gets closer to what we once had.

closer.

and when i truly look into your eyes in the bathroom,  
my own eyes filled with tears and blood blood blood,  
I see a mirror in them.

a mirror just like mine.

a flicker of hope.  
cracks and powder.  
empty.  
a glow.  
blood and flowers and warmth-

curses and hexes are thrown at one another  
and they miss and miss and miss.  
you pin me down, water flowing from the damaged sink  
you hit with a curse i've never heard before.  
your hand against my throat-  
towards me.

towards me-

I reach out my hand like I did all those years ago. this time-

my fingers touch the walls of your heart  
and it sings louder and louder and louder  
and yours is beating in tandem with mine  
as the pace of our dance all these years goes faster and faster  
and i feel the vines growing between us and locking us in an embrace of need and power,  
no blood to see, no cracks to mend, no hearts to restore for they have become whole again-

it comes to an abrupt end when the sweet scents of dreams and hope leave us.  
you break the vines and cut the spell.

you push me away  
and leave the dancefloor,  
leaving me alone in the dark room  
with the spotlight on me.

alone.  
alone.

but

now it's my time to run.

you've got soldiers around you, protecting you from me.  
but we know that I'm not the one shattering your heart.  
it's so clear.  
it's so so clear.

you gave me your hand and I took it.  
im holding it as tight as I can and I don't plan on letting it go.  
not again.  
never again.

Harry?  
Yes?  
I love you.  
So do the stars.  
Oh you twat-  
I'm joking. I love you too.

we smile together and our breaths sync up.

we inhale.  
we exhale.  
we inhale.  
we-

smoke- im choking and i can't feel my lungs, I can't feel my blood running through my body.  
my heart my heart. where's my heart?

a tower, stars, hopes and promises.  
dumbledore and i, dumbledore and severus and i.  
the dark shadow tells me to step back.  
I step forward and-

a star dies that night.  
as my innocence does.  
a man ive pushed to the edge,  
a man ive pushed over the edge.

never to be talked to again.  
never to listen to me cry and whine again.  
never to offer me lemon drops and muggle cherry sodas i love.  
never again.

you scream and i run and im afraid this is how it'll be from now on.  
you're the cat and the mouse.  
im the prey and you're the hunter.

but you are a hurricane and you leave nothing unaffected in your path.

you never did-

we stopped dancing a long time ago.  
what were doing now is nothing but an embrace.  
I step back once and you stumble after me.  
I move to the sides and you waddle along with me.  
we sway to the rhythm of a nonexistent song.  
our songs.

the stars are singing just for the two of us tonight.

/

//

you don't let me slip down the muddy hill, like I let myself do all those times.  
I walk and walk, trying to forget what i did  
and trying to find you.

4 privet drive  
little whinging  
surrey

and i do.

I find you in that murky hole those people call home  
and i take your hand again. tighter than ever.  
Let's go have fun, I say.  
you look back into the corners of your cage and see the three monsters that have kept you at bay all this time.  
and then you look at me, eyes filled with galaxies and hope.  
smile as bright as the sun.  
soothing.  
It's time to be surrounded by real love, you whisper to me.  
and then you kiss me right there  
in front of the thorny walls and ashen faced mannequins

a bellow of rage cracks your heart,  
but my fingers touch it and it heals back.  
roses bloom onto the scar.

we step out onto the clouds and leave, far away.  
far away, deep into London, where no magicfolk can sense us.

Your snowpuff is here. Hedwig, was it?  
That's her! A beauty isn't she?  
You're right, Harry. She's quite a beauty.  
Of course she is-  
But not like my Tazzle-

We run around London, hand in hand, no fear of bear attacks or snake bites.  
we go to muggle restaurants, shops, hotels, fearing no one but the exhaustion that overtakes us.  
we sing, dance, eat, do all these things father would hate.  
But that I love.  
because i'm with you.  
and you only.

and then she sees us.  
Granger. Quite the character she is  
her eyes as sharp as eagles, she trips our merry dance, breaking us apart just for a split second  
it creates earthquakes into our cores, ones she isn't affected by.

Harry? Malfoy?! What are you two-

she looks down at our hands, woven together into a slow dance or vines and roses.  
and she breathes in,  
but does not breathe out.

Oh.  
You two are together.

a crack forms into our bubble.  
animals fled, locals scatter, the sky parts in two and i can feel us start to drown.

You know this won't work out.

you're the first one to go under the tide. she's always had an effect on you  
after all, she's a friend you keep close to heart.  
the heart I helped you mend.  
only I.

You'll be in danger.

I slowly start to sink in as well.  
my toes are touching the ground but they aren't enough to keep me above.  
not anymore.

so i sink in.

we both do.

and when we are back into our room  
at this muggle hotel,  
we are able to shake ourselves and fight to the top.  
we won't let this stop us.  
not again.  
not again.

I'm yours and you're mine.

yours.

mine.

we breathe, faster and faster.

we fall down on the dancefloor, clinging to one another.

my last lifeline.  
your last lifeline.

and then you-  
golden and strong and real-  
leave me.

they're after you.

run, run away.  
but I'll know that this time it's not from me.

//

/

ink blotched hands,  
red puffy eyes,  
tear streaked face.

the marble sculpture that is my patience cracks loudly.

That's never happened before, I think.  
You've never faced a war as well before, I say to myself. But here we are.

you're still running.  
you're running, each day faster and faster and your wounds appear again.  
the cracks in your ribs, the missing pieces of your skull.  
black roses bloom in every direction you pass.

and you write that to me, every single time you notice new cracks.  
every time you feel your heart is on the brink of shattering you send a letter.  
and I do the same.

we send them, again and again, one after the other with no sign of stopping, hoping that the next one won't be the last.  
you're out hunting for darkness and vile magic and i can't help you.  
but I can write to you, and that's enough for now.

and all those letters, those papers and ink, those wishes and yearnings and cries in the night of your name,  
are kept close to my heart  
and the lightning bolt.

I cling to them, thinking of you, I cling to them, thinking of a future with you.  
you, you, you.  
you're my future.  
and my only hope.  
a rose garden bloom atop my bed and the scents make me forget the thorns stabbing into my back, legs, neck, and arms.

and then the pin drops.

and the mirrors around me shatter.

they know  
im not truly one of theirs  
traitor  
weakling  
blood traitor  
weak weak weak  
to be dead  
no no  
no need for him!  
he is to be alive!  
no more!

pansy parkinson.  
pansy.

she hurt us. she bellowed to the entire castle of a letter found by accident.  
she screamed in the hall, reading the last words of the Worst Golden Boy.  
she screamed and laughed and cackled and  
I was back at home, the cackles of the lord and the snakes.

danger danger danger.  
ive been pushed towards the bear, by another packmate.

fear fear fear, terror terror-

I hide away from them. from the magic. from the pain and darkness.  
I wait in the musty corners of my home.  
because i won't give up without a fight.

and a fight it was indeed.

People running and running and screaming and crying.  
Professor leading students out, classes ended, the future gone.  
shattered hopes and broken children run amok this maze, and only the unfortunate stay at the start.  
and i am one of them.  
but I lead my pack with pride and head for the light  
where you are.

and then i see you-

dead-

no.  
no no no no nonononoNO NO NO-

and i see father beaten up and tired in front of the crowd  
mother at his side, just as bruised and exhausted.

the lord looks around and his red eyes shater mirror shards into my own.  
those aren't the eyes of a human.  
but those of a true monster.  
not like lupin, when he would unwillingly rip himself apart.  
not like me, where my own perception of reality twists and turns my identity into something wicked and something tainted.  
not like those broken children who never had a choice.

but i do.

and i step forwards towards him.  
one step.  
two steps.

gasps and cries of traitor escape behind me.  
but i take no heed.

two more steps, and two more.  
im near him and i can see his disfigured face.

merlin, hes uglier than I remembered.

and i take one more step towards him, into his open arms.  
and circle them around him.

and he cackles in mirth and power.  
and I smile.

a dagger-  
blood blood blood NOT HUMAN-  
I slash right into him.

I take his wand and I curse him away.  
and then there's movement.  
screams of panic.  
and harry.

harry harry harry, you you YOU YOU-

I see you and we lock eyes, and i see the longing in your eyes reflected into mine.  
I yell about thorns and wishes and throw you the wand.  
you scream about dreams and flowers and run away.

danger, danger, danger.

im running and running and the walls seem to grow bigger and thicker.  
they're closing in on me but i move on

a girl  
a small hufflepuff  
stuck in the charms classroom.  
I take her hand and hold her tight, and i dont show her the blood on my conscious and hands.  
and i get her to the entrance of the maze  
and I let her go.

love, flower petals, hufflepuff scarves.

no more.

but then a searing hot pain shakes my soul and body and I stumble into the abyss  
but grangers here and she catches me before i can fall, and pushes the monsters instead of me

we look at one another  
and she sees the tides and waves you and I dealt with.  
I see the terrors and magic and sleepless nights in the cold she has endured.  
and we nod.  
and walk away.

screaming screaming screaming.

silence.

I look towards you and i see you on your knees.

the dance floor has been ruined, the lights are malfunctioning and you're on your knees and screaming.  
you've stopped running.  
so ill do it for you.

and i run with all my might  
towards you and your agony filled screams  
and I catch you just as you are about to pass out.

and i hold you as tight as possible.  
and you hold me tighter.  
tighter.  
and tighter.

hand in hand, we march like soldiers.  
hand in hand, we step barefoot on the shards of our cracked mirrors and smile at each other.  
hand in hand, we continue on.

hand in hand,

we breathe together.  
again,  
and again,  
and again.

one last time  
we start our dance again.  
it's fast and its slow but it's our dance and its during our song that the stars sing and the moon hums.  
and we'll dance like this for a long while.  
together.  
together.

we continue our dance at a steady pace.

again and again.

I love you, Harry Potter.


End file.
